


From the Super-Secret Diary of Dawn Summers

by Stakebait



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F, Incest, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-26
Updated: 2010-05-26
Packaged: 2017-10-09 17:37:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/89898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stakebait/pseuds/Stakebait
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How Dawn spent her summer vacation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	From the Super-Secret Diary of Dawn Summers

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers through the end of season 5.

  
She's never scared, even when she says she is. And she's never impatient, and she's never ashamed. She's nothing, really, like my sister at all.

I keep telling myself that, in the day time, so I don't forget and treat her like Buffy, and make the Scoobies give each other that "don't tell Dawn Santa's not real" look, which hasn't worked since I got tall enough to catch it. They call it over your head for a reason, guys? Buffy should've made some taller friends.

I'm not stupid. I know he isn't real, and she isn't, either. But neither am I. It doesn't seem to make much difference.

That's what Spike said. Spike is smart. Spike made a fake Buffy when he couldn't have the real one, and now nobody can have the real one, except maybe mom. So why shouldn't we take what we can get?

At night I tell myself she's not my sister too, but that's because sisters aren't supposed to *do* that. Bad touch! Swimsuit area! Afterschool specials r us!

Only it isn't bad at all. I'm the one sneaking into her room, after all, and reaching up under her shirt to push the little switch that lets her talk and move and stuff while she's charging up, like a cell phone. It's good when she holds me, when she wants me around. Its good when somebody finally treats me like a grownup, even if it is just the Bot. And its good when my whole body shakes and my knees go all stiff and my toes get pointy and I have to put my face in a pillow so Willow and Tara don't figure out that I'm doing what they do for fun. That never happens when I do it myself, just a little heebie-jeebies shiver, only nice, even though I got the Bot to show me how to move my fingers. I guess maybe its like trying to tickle yourself?

I don't get what the big deal is, anyway. Buffy was going out with Angel when she was my age, and I remember the Willow/Oz face suckapalooza too. It's not like the Bot is going to get me pregnant, or sick, or arrested. And compared to the huge ugly secret that I have to walk around with all day and not spill, like a big old bowl of jello on my head, this is nothing. Just a way to make me forget for a little while. Something soft to hang on to, and help me sleep. Not like I could get a real boyfriend when I can't tell him anything that's going on in my life -- or a real girlfriend either. She already knows.

And it makes her happy, to use all those programs Spike put in her and now he won't play with. All those games. It's nice making somebody happy, and being good at something besides being in the way. At least, I think I'm good at it. Not like there's anybody I could ask. Except Spike, maybe. He made up the rules, so he should know. And I wish he'd play too -- with the Bot, if not with me. It would make him happy, and he's never happy any more. Besides, all us fake people should stick together. But he can't even stand to look at her.

I get that. These days, nobody really wants to look me in the eye either. I can feel them thinking it, that if it weren't for me, Buffy would be here, with them, and the other 4 out of 10 vamps wouldn't be out snacking on the innocent, and Giles wouldn't drink so much, and Willow and Tara wouldn't be the world's youngest lesbian moms. It just makes me want to scream. I know I know I know I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I didn't want it, Its not my fault. Except they know that, and they get all guilty and try to be extra kind, like I might break.

I don't want kind. I want the truth. Like when I was the Key and everybody knew but me. Like when mom and dad were fighting and mom kept telling me oh honey, don't worry, it'll be okay.

Sometimes it won't be okay. And maybe I will break. That's the truth. Maybe I don't want the truth after all, when the truth is icky and nasty and full of things that are stronger than you are. Maybe I really want this to be Buffy, even though Buffy would never in a million years put her mouth there and do that with her teeth, because if she did and she could then maybe she'd have loved me enough to stay. Dad didn't. He doesn't even love me enough to call. Maybe he's dead too. I can't decide if that would be better.

I'm supposed to be part of her. That's what Spike says she said, anyway. He's the only one who will really talk about her at all. Maybe that's why the Bot wants me inside her, so she can learn how to be Buffy and everybody will love her, like she remembers.

It's never gonna happen. The more like Buffy she is, the more they hate her for not being her for real. But we need her to keep trying, or bad things will descend on the hellmouth and end the world and take me off to foster care until I'm 18. So I do that thing with my mouth and make her happy, or at least make her pretend to be happy, and after I stroke her hair like Buffy used to touch mine and say "oh honey, don't worry, it'll be okay." Even though I know I'm lying. I guess that means I'm really one of the grownups now.


End file.
